07 May Grief: A Most Peculiar Gift
Written by Gabriela Spicer, LPC- Associate
I experienced a long season of back-to-back losses. It started with two miscarriages six months apart. My husband and I were eager to have more children after our first two. We were hopeful and ready.
After I found out about the loss of the baby, I fought hard to push through it by rationalizing and avoiding all that I felt inside. I did not let myself feel the pain associated with the loss. Six months later, we had our second loss.
My strategies for holding my emotions at bay during our first loss had not served me well and resulted in me feeling depressed, angry, and tense. It would spew out in unexpected ways, manifesting as irritation, harsh tones, and overall tension toward others, including my husband and kids. Being a mom of two already kept me busy, which I used to keep myself from noticing how the loss was affecting me.
As a child, one of my coping strategies in dealing with loss was to repress my emotions. It had been my default coping method in dealing with pain. The disappointment of having lost a second baby so close to the first felt emotionally overwhelming. I felt isolated in my grief.
It didn’t help that no one talked about their miscarriage experiences. I felt guilty for feeling “so much.” I wondered if anyone could relate to my sadness. Through a conversation with a dear friend, I found relational support that helped make space and normalize what I was experiencing. What seemed so hard to face alone previously now felt strangely comforting to talk about, as someone else could relate to my pain. I decided to try something new by welcoming grief and seeing where it would take me. I decided to lean into it.
Over the ensuing months, grief came in like the waves of an ocean, some small, some big. It would come unexpectedly, and I was determined not to resist it. It felt sad; physically, my heart would ache at times. I discovered that grief was not a pit you fall into but, instead, it is the way to process loss so you can come out on the other side. Over time, the waves of grief became smaller.
Loss occurs in many different ways: from losing a loved one, a pet, or a relationship to losing physical faculties within ourselves and those we love, to a significant move, job, or sudden change.
Other kinds of loss worth mentioning but that are harder to recognize are grieving the reality of what was lost in childhood, acknowledging the reality of our limitations, and secondary losses (the ripple effect caused by the central loss, such as the loss of dreams of the future). Grief is the natural way we, as humans, can move through loss. It helps us acknowledge the loss, feel it, and find relief through mourning.
Grief is unpredictable. It comes in like the waves of an ocean. One wave makes you feel out of control, humbled under its power, reminding you that you are human with limitations. Another wave feels heavy, exhausting, and sad.
Some days it feels like anger and disappointment, and is grueling for the soul. You may even feel like you have no right to laugh, as if grief has moved into your home, dimmed every light, and snuffed out every other positive emotion you can experience. It can feel hopeless. You may experience a sensation of fogginess.
Grief can feel lonely and scary. If you give in to it, you might never come up for air. But in reality, the weight of grief does subside.
Loss is a natural part of life. Grief relates to our thoughts and feelings when faced with loss. If we allow ourselves to give in to grief, it has the potential to change our perspective, to break us, only to put us back together.
Mourning is the outward manifestation of grief. We must be able to do both. Recently, the actor Andrew Garfield, during an interview, said of grief, “The wound is the only route to the gift. The grief and the loss are the only route to the vitality of being alive.” Andrew lost his mother a few years ago and shares his grieving process openly. (Cooper, 2024)
If grief helps us move through loss, why do we get stuck and avoid grieving? There is a component of going through grief and loss that forces us to confront the reality that there are some things in life we can’t control. This realization can feel helpless, frustrating, disorienting, and humbling.
We can avoid grief by fighting to re-create what was there before in unconscious or conscious ways. For example, after losing a pet, a pet owner might purchase a new one within a few days of their loss to help alleviate their pain, or after losing a relationship, we seek out the same type of relationship with another to fill that void.
On the other hand, it is hard to feel the emotions associated with grief; as with the waves of the ocean, we can feel helpless under the weight; it can be exhausting and heavy, overwhelming and sad.
We develop strategies to cope with complex emotions such as grief. As children, we learn how to cope with loss in ways that make sense to us out of a need to survive, especially if we lack guidance in this area, or we vicariously repeat what was modeled by others when faced with loss.
Some of the ways we deal with loss include avoidance, numbing ourselves through substance abuse or activities, repressing our emotions, rationalizing, blaming others around us, or isolating ourselves. These strategies can become counterproductive over time and produce more pain in the long run, leaving us feeling stuck, irritable, angry, unhappy, and even depressed.
Navigating Through Grief
In the section below, we delineate a few ways that help us to cope with loss in intentional ways. The goal in all of this is to move through grief and not get stuck.
- Slow Down. Be kind to yourself by caring for yourself, getting sleep and rest; it is okay to slow down and allow yourself to grieve. Slowing down will help you make room for the grief.
- Lean into the Experience. Avoiding the emotion when grief comes over you will only prolong the process and result in unproductive ways of coping with it.
- Share Your Grief. Sharing your grief with others creates a basis of support and opens the opportunity for comfort. It will not diminish the grief but instead make it bearable.
- Seek Support from Others. Find a grief support group or counselor to process grief. Listening to others share their experience of grief can be comforting. Chrysalis offers grief groups from time to time. Check in with us.
- Write/Journal About Your Process. Writing is a way to express your feelings and thoughts. Prompts can be helpful, such as:
- I miss…
- I long for…
- I wish…
- I remember…
- Read/Write. Below is a list of book resources. Some of these have grief companion workbooks that can be helpful for processing grief.
- Use Art/Music: Music and art are other ways to facilitate the grieving process and communicate feelings. Draw a time line of the losses in your life by using pictures, drawings, or words.
- Remember: Go through memories by looking at photos, telling stories, or talking to others.
No one chooses grief, yet it comes. It hurts and transforms us at the same time. It reminds us of our fragility and what it means to be human. We can choose whether or not to receive it and allow it to walk us to the other side of loss. Grief is a peculiar gift.
Book Resources:
The Other Side of Sadness by George A. Bonanno
The Art of Losing: Poems of Grief & Healing edited by Kevin Young
Things I Wish I Knew Before My Mom Died by Ty Alexander
Rabbit Cake by Annie Hartnett
Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman
It’s Okay That You’re Not Okay by Megan Devine
Bearing the Unbearable by Joanne Cacciatore
Tear Soup: A Recipe for Healing After Loss by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck DeKlyen
Healing After Loss by Martha Hickman
Unattended Sorrow by Stephen Levine
References:
Bonanno, G. (2019). The Other Side of Sadness. Basic Books.
Cooper, A. (2024, October 8). “Andrew Garfield’s Grief.” All There Is with Anderson Cooper. Retrieved December 8, 2024, from https://www.cnn.com/audio/podcasts/all-there-is-with-anderson-cooper/episodes/e92bef56-387b-11ef-8459-83008f425ae3
Cooper, A. (2024, October 22). “Creating a Companionship with Grief.” All There Is with Anderson Cooper. Retrieved December 15, 2024, from https://www.cnn.com/audio/podcasts/all-there-is-with-anderson-cooper/episodes/fe6aef5a-7b6c-11ef-993b-0fce69009d00
Weller, F. (2015). The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief. North Atlantic Books.
Wolfelt, A. D., PhD (2021). Understanding Your Grief: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart. Companion Press.